Cree-Z Place

Jokes Q: How do you make a cat go woof?
A: Douse it with gasoline and toss it into a fireplace.
Muldoon lives with his dog in the countryside. When the dog dies, Muldoon goes to the parish priest. "Father, could you say a mass for the poor creature?"

The father explains, "We can’t have services for an animal in the church, but there’s a new denomination down the road. Maybe they’ll do something for him."

"Thanks," says Muldoon. "Do you think $5,000 is enough to donate for the service?"

The father replies, "Why didn’t you tell me the dog was Catholic?"

A farmer buys a young rooster to impregnate his chickens. The young rooster struts into the barn and yells to the old rooster, “Get out, old man! This is my barn now!”

“Tell you what,” says the old rooster. “I’ll race you around the farm; winner gets all the chicks.”

The old rooster takes off toward the front of the house with the young rooster chasing him. The farmer takes one look at the roosters, pulls out his shotgun, and blows the young one away.

“Dammit,” says the farmer. “That’s the third gay rooster I’ve bought this month!”
Q: How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose?

A: Ten little piggies, two calves, one ass, millions of hares, and a beaver. A man was listening to the radio when he heard that there was a car heading the wrong way down Interstate 7; he knew his wife was driving on it at the time. He frantically called her on his cell phone and yelled hysterically, “Honey, watch out! There is a car going the wrong way on Interstate 7!”

His wife replied, “There isn’t just one car! There are hundreds of them!” A bum approaches a man passing by for money.

Man: “Are you going to use it to buy booze?”

Bum: “No.”

Man: “Will you use it to buy cigarettes?”

Bum: “No, sir.”

Man: “Are you going to gamble it away?”

Bum: “Why, no!”

Man: “Then will you come home with me and show my wife what happens to a man who doesn’t drink, smoke, or gamble?” A yuppie was sent a ransom note saying that he was to bring $50,000 to the 17th hole of the country club at ten o’clock the next day if he ever wanted to see his wife alive again.

He didn’t arrive until almost 12:30. A masked man stepped out from behind some bushes and growled, “What the hell took you so long? You’re more than two hours late.”

“Hey, give me a break!” whined the yuppie. “I’m a 27 handicap.”

Little Johnny was on a park bench stuffing all of his Halloween candy in his mouth. An old lady came over and said. "Son, don't you know that eating all of that candy will rot your teeth, give you acne, and make you sick?"

"My grandfather lived to be 105 years old!" replied Johnny.

"Did he eat five candy bars at a sitting?" the old lady retorted.

"No, said Johnny, but he minded his own fuckin' business."

A woman sat on a plane heading for New York, when the pilot annouces that because of difficulties with the plane's engines, he must make an emergency landing. The woman, fearing that this may be the end of her life looks over to a man sitting next to her and rips her shirt and bra off, and throws herself on him. "Make me feel like a woman again!" she screamed. So the man rips his shirt off and hands it to her. "Here you go, you crazy bitch, iron this. A drunk guy walks into a bar, goes over to a woman standing at the jukebox, and grabs her ass.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” the woman screams.

“I’m sorry,” replies the drunk. “I thought you were my wife!”

“Why, you drunken, worthless, insufferable asshole!” she yells.

“See? You sound just like her.” Q: What do girls and rocks have in common?
A: Everyone skips the flat ones. Q: How is a woman like a condom?
A: Both spend more time in your wallet than on your schlong. Q: What’s the difference between a wife and a hippopotamus?
A: One has a big mouth and a fat ass…and the other one lives somewhere in Africa.

Q: Why do Natives like having sex doggie style?

A: So they can both watch North of 60.

Q: What’s the difference between Afghanistan and Christmas?

A: Come December Christmas will be here

Four U.S. presidents are caught in a tornado and are whirled off to Oz. They finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.

"What brings you before the great Wizard of Oz?"

Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly: "I've come for some courage."

"No problem!" says the Wizard. "Who is next?"

Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well…, I…I think I need a heart."

"Done," says the Wizard. "Who comes next before the great and powerful Oz?"

Up stepped George Bush sadly and said, "I'm told by the American people that I need a brain."

"No problem!" says the Wizard. "Consider it done."

There is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "What do you want?"

"Uhh…is Dorothy here?" Q: How is sex a lot like air?

A: Because it’s not a big deal unless you’re not getting any.
After a heavy night of drinking, a man wakes up to find his wedding ring missing. He tells his wife he's going to the bar to see if anyone found it. An hour later, he comes back bloody and beaten.

His wife screams, "Honey, what happened?"

He begins to explain, "Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Kelly the bartender found my ring. The bad news is her boyfriend wanted to know how it ended up in her ass." A girl from upnorth and a girl from down south were seated side by side on an airplane. The girl from upnorth, being friendly and all, said: “So, where you from eh?”

The girl from down south said: “From a place where they know better than to use eh at the end of a sentence.”

The girl from upnorth sat quietly for a few moments and then replied: “So, where you from, CUNT?” A murder has been committed. Police are called to an apartment and find a man standing, holding a 5-iron in his hands, looking at the lifeless body of a woman on the ground.

The detective asks, “Sir, is that your wife?”

“Yes.”

“Did you hit her with that golf club?”

“Yes. Yes, I did,” the man answers. He stifles a sob, drops the club and puts his hands on his head.

“How many times did you hit her?”

“I don’t know. Four…five…six…put me down for a four.” Q: How do you get a 100 cows into a barn? A: Hold a bingo. lol. I kid, I kid. Q: What do you do when your dishwasher breaks down? A: Kick her in the ass. Q: How do you turn a fox into an elephant? A: Marry it. A guy walks into a sperm bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and orders her to open the vault. She says, “But, sir, it’s just a sperm bank!”

“Open it now!” he demands.

She opens the vault, and it’s full of test tube samples.

“Take one and drink it,” says the guy.

“But it’s sperm!” she pleads.

“Do it!”

So the nurse sucks it back.

“That one there, drink that one as well,” he continues.

The nurse does as she’s told.

Finally, after four samples the man takes off his ski mask. It’s her husband! “See?” he says. “Was it that bad?” Q: What do you call a Native who's going to medical school? A: A doctor you fucken racism. Harry says, “I can’t wait to get home and rip my wife’s panties off.”

Charlie says, “You’re that horny?”

Harry says, “No, they’re that tight on me. Q: What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?
A: A quarter-pounder with cheese. Justin dies and arrives in hell. He’s met by the devil and told that each person is offered several choices of torture that run in 1,000-year cycles.

The devil leads him to room after room of torture, each more horrible than the next. Finally, they go to a room where a young college co-ed is performing oral sex on a man drinking beer.

Justin tells the devil, “This is more like it!”

The devil says, “Are you sure? It lasts for a thousand years!”

Justin replies, “Yes!”

So the devil walks over to the young woman and says, “You can go now. I’ve found your replacement.

Two prostitutes are standing on a corner. One says to the other, “Ever been picked up by the fuzz?”

The other replies, “No, but I’ve been swung around by the tits.
Q: Why don’t women blink during foreplay?

A: ’Cause they don’t have time! A drunk in a bar barfs all over his own shirt. “Damn,” he says. “I puked on my shirt again. If the wife finds out, she’s gonna kill me.”

“Not to worry,” says the bartender as he sticks a $20 bill in the drunk’s pocket. “Just tell her someone puked on you and gave you some cash to cover the cleaning bill.”

So the drunk goes home and tells his wife about the guy who puked on him. She reaches into his pocket and finds two twenties. “Why are there two twenties?” she asks.

The drunk replies, “Oh, yeah, he crapped in my pants, too.”

A guy and his wife are lying in bed when the husband starts caressing her back.

“Not tonight, dear,” she says. “I have an appointment with the gynecologist tomorrow.” The husband rolls over and tries to go to sleep. A few minutes later, he turns back and again starts caressing her back.

“Honey, stop,” she says. “I told you I have to go to the gynecologist in the morning.”

“I know," he answers. “But you don’t have to go to the dentist, do you?”

A man is driving home drunk. He gets pulled over by a female cop and she notices that he's drunk so she arrests him. She starts to read him his rights: "Anything you say can and will be held against you in a court of law." The man screams out, "TITS! Q: What do you call a gay dinosaur? A: Megasauras Q: What are a natives favorite colours? A: Blue and Blue Light. lol Q: Did you hear about the new Metis holiday? A: It a lot like Aboriginal Day but they only get half a day.

Cree-Z Place

Last Updated April 18, 2008

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