: Jokes :
Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
Charlotte Whitton

Guys are like dogs. They keep coming back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time...they're gone.
Lenny Bruce
Why did God create men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn.
Madonna

All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others.
Henry Youngman

To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior'.
Rita Rudner

This guy says, 'I'm perfect for you, because I'm a cross between a macho and a sensitive man.'
I said, 'Oh, a gay trucker?'
Judy Tenuta

Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when driven to speech by something outside himself -- like, for instance, he can't find any clean socks.
Jean Kerr

Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work or prison.
Tim Allen

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells, "PIG!!"
The man immediately leans out his window and replies, "BITCH!!"
They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.

Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.
Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Ooh dad, there's one." "No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait."
Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough." "No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."
About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman.
The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."
"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."
"Why not?" asked the son.
"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.
Mother, where do babies come from?
The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.
The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommys vagina. Thats how you get a baby, honey. The child seems to comprehend.
Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddys penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?
Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.

A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.
'Just where the heck do you think you're going!', said the man.
'I'm going to Las Vegas', said the wife, 'I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!
'The man said, 'Wait a minute!', and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.
'Where the heck are you going?', said the wife.
The man said, 'I want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year!'

Best pick up lines ever 1) Does this smell like chloroform to you? 2) Wanna go halves on a baby? 3) Screw me if I'm wrong, but is your name Lolanthe? 4) I'm Batman. 5) You may not know this, but I'm kinda a big deal around here.
Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Heres that $20 I owe you," he says.

I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and Im thinking, okay, heres a gal whos capable of making a decision shell regret in the future. (Richard Jeni)

I went to the psychiatrist, and he says "You're crazy." I tell him I want a second opinion. He says, "Okay, you're ugly too!" (Rodney Dangerfield)

I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it "Do not eat if seal is broken." So I opened up the box, and sure enough... (Brian Kiley)

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land. (Jon Stewart)

I went to a fight the other night and a hockey game broke out. (Rodney Dangerfield) Two snowmen are standing in a meadow. One snowman turns to the other and says, "Do you smell carrots?" Two guys are hunting when one falls to the ground and stops breathing. The other guy, in a panic, gets his phone and calls 911 and yells "My friend is dead, what can I do? The operator on the other side says "Sir calm down, first thing let's make sure he's dead". There is a silence and then a gunshot. The guy comes back on the phone and says "Ok, now what?".

: Haunted Places :
Just to give you a little background, I enjoy going to haunted places anytime and anywhere I can find them. Growing up in a haunted house with different things happening to myself and my siblings, I always wanted to figure out what else was out there, and are their stories as terrifying as ours. What I am about to tell you are the true stories of my family, the entity we lived with and the many terrifying events that we experienced.
Story One
It was a sunny winter's mid afternoon and my sister was home sick from school watching television in the livingroom. The house was empty since the rest of my family was at work or at school, but with this particular house, it never felt like you were alone. My sister, still in her pajamas rocked back and forth on my father's chair watching whatever she could watch on the 13 channels we had back then when suddenly someone knocked at the door. She was not expecting anyone but it was not out of the ordinary that people would come visit so she got up and opened the door. This door had many plates of glass making it very easy to see the outside and to her surprise, there wasn't one there. She stuck her head out and and walked onto the front patio to see if anyone was around and yet nothing. She didn't give it much thought, it was probably neighborhood kids knocking on doors and running off.
She returned to her comfy position on the chair and continue to watch television and yet again, there was a knock at the front door. She got up quickly this time and opened the door to find no one standing there. She put on her boots and stepped onto the sidewalk to have a quick look around. She went to either side of the house and noticed that there weren't any footsteps so there probably wasn't anyone knocking and running to the backyard.
Finally fed up, my sister devised a plan to catch whoever was trying to play a joke on her. She decided to hide behind the kitchen curtain, which was the perfect place to get a full view of the front door and see whoever was playing a joke on her through the glass. It only took a few minutes before the knocking started. She took a deep breath and hopped out from the behind the curtain yelling "Ha" only to find that there wasn't anyone standing there, but the knocking continued. Knock, knock, knock was all she heard as she stepped closer to the front door, hoping to see someone knocking around the corner or from somewhere out of site of the windows, but no one was there. She put her hand on the door knob and opened the door and then the knocking stopped. Once again she stepped outside to look around and no one was there. She could not explain what was happening.
Upon entering the house from her search outside, she decided to call my father who worked with the MNR in a small town about 25 minutes away, to tell him what happened and that she didn't want to be alone. She picked up the phone which was in the kitchen and dialed the number. The reception answered and told her to wait as she transferred her call. Just then, she caught something from the corner of her eye standing in the same livingroom where she was watching television. She quickly turned her head only to be struck by complete terror, making her frozen with fear and without being able to move she was staring at a creature that was staring back at her. By her description the creature had many similar features as a human but was not human at all. The creature stood about 6 foot, with huge muscular arms that almost touched the ground, short skinny legs, two cones on it's head and red animal eyes that was staring at her as she stood there on the phone waiting for my father.
My father answered the phone to my sister screaming and yelling for him. My father got there as fast as he could, which was about 10 minutes only to find my sister crying on the front patio. He grabbed her and put her in his truck and ran into the house making sure he checked out every room, closet and space in the house. After checking everything, he went back to calm my sister down enough to bring her back into the house and describe what had happened. After hearing the story, my father said that she probably had a nightmare. Nothing ever happened to my parents, which is why, they had a hard time believing what happened to us.
Story 2My brothers and sisters never really talked about what happened to each other until later on in our years and even though we never talked, we knew not to do certain things. For myself, I taught myself not to look out windows at night or look upstairs when I was home alone. My sister, knowing this made one mistake one night and what she saw still brings chills down her spine.
In the middle of one night, one of my sisters woke up thirsty, and like anyone else, she went downstairs to grab a glass of water. Very routine in a normal house but as you're starting to know, we did not live in a normal house. The moon was out this night, lighting up the kitchen in a erie glow, like out of a black and white movie, and as my sister started her decent down the stairs, she reminded herself not to look out the windows and just keep her head down. Step by step she went down the stairs and she started to feel as though she wasn't alone, like something was watching her, but she did not know where. After making it down the stairs, she made her way to the cupboard and grabbed her normal cup and walked to the sink. The sink was in a difficult spot because above it was a window looking out of the side of the house and I always imagine the worst things standing out there looking in at me or even worst, to come face to face with what my sister saw standing in the livingroom. I've always hated grabbing a glass of water from this house because of that window.
At the sink she poured water into her cup, turned to the side and began to drink the water.The water was very cool and was satisfying to her thirst. She lowered the cups from her lips, and without knowing she turned giving her a full view at the glass plated front door where she saw it. It was a man standing there looking at her but this man's face was rotting, with skin hanging off it's skeleton in clothing from the past. She stood there for a few seconds, but it felt like an eternity, looking into those empty eyes. She screamed and ran to my parents room. My father got up and looked outside to find nothing. She ended up sleeping with my parents for a few nights after that.

: Other Haunted Places :
Grave Guardian - Lasalle Graveyard - Sudbury, OntarioStories have it that there is a Graveyard Guardian in the Lasalle Graveyard in Sudbury, Ontario. This guardian is said to be a past graveyard keeper who continued to do his job even after death.
On several different excersions to the Lasalle Graveyard with Suzanne, Jeremy, Justin and Wayne, we had a lot of unexplained things happen to us. The first time I went there was with Jeremy and Wayne at around 12pm after a movie. We decided to check it out because of looking up different sites on haunted places in Ontario. Once getting there Jer and I did the first walk through and we decided to stop and listen. Just then, we saw a shadow like figure standing in the long grass about 20 meters away, but it could have been our eyes playing tricks on us. Suddenly, someone or something started to throw rocks at us, not in a harmful way, but trying to scare us. The rocks hit the ground before our feet and bounced off our shoes. We figure out the area the rocks were being thrown by seeing where the rocks landed and where they hit us and it was coming from the same area where we saw that shadow figure. Needless to say, this event was the first of many in the Lasalle Graveyard.
Another occurance happened about a year later, after hearing my story, my friends Adam and Suzanne wanted the opportunity to experience the same thing that happened to Jeremy and myself, and even though I warned them that more than likely something was going to happen, they still had their mind set on it so off we went. Again after a movie, we went in. It was around the same time, a little after midnight, and we went to the same area where Jer and I had rocks thrown at us. Nothing, not even a sound or shadow this time. Nothing happened until we went to the dark part of the graveyard, where little light goes gets through, which actually helped because this way there wouldn't be any mistakes from the lights and the lights blind us in certain spots. Not too long after we started to get chills.

Last Updated: May 1, 2011